made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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