4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
