Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
