I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
