Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
