He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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