my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
