god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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