Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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