Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
