I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
