I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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