I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
