What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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