Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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