3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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