I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
