i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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