we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
