When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
