Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
