Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had sex on a roof
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
