Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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