I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
