She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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