she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
