filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize