My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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