on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
