Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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