Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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