You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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