Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
