so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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