Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
