I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
