While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just pee around me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize