I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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