I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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