Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
