I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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