apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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