Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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