I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
