Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
