Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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