tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
