Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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