i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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