My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
