did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize