hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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