just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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