he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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