i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
