Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
