update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
