She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
